There is no reason under the son a man or woman should be second to anyone when it comes to survival in health, shelter or love period. If my husband had a stomach bug that lasted a few days and he didnt go to the doctor I would probably be like your wife too. Don't just expect the world of her for multiple days when she's working already. Yes my H also has ADHD, but it's not ADHD that causes his horrible behaviors, particularly when I'm sick/injured. Alright. We want to hear your story. I learned about myself and learned some hard lessons. I occasionally get teary about it, my feelings were so hurt. Best Sex Positions to Improve Your Sex Life. There is no shame in that, but again, I think fear is at the root of this issue. THAT, was fear. is already like this, it will only get worse. Impatient to a fault, hates to wait, hates to wait his turn. It was your plan all along to leave me on my own, wasn't it?!". I mis calculated the drop, my crutches went out from under me, and I fell, landing flat on my back on thecement patio, hard. Some of the scorn heaped upon ADHDers by their non-ADHD partners must CERTAINLY be readable in their partner's body languageeven if their partner is trying to be nice. Pleasure. He stormed up to me, angrily, shouting WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? Friday afternoon he gets home from work and goes to Submitted by copingSAH on Mon, 09/29/2014 - 09:42. There's definitely a disconnect. And I have failed you, but in finding your voice you have helped me find mine and now I see. My husband is friendly and nice until I am sick. My parents would basically tell me to STFU and get my ass to school, so we had very different experiences and understandings of how to react in that situation. NOTHING HELPED. Maybe a spouse is a lousy caregiver, or just as sick if not sicker; maybe you never noticed till now that certain local family members are better at receiving than giving. 5 signs of an unsupportive husband during pregnancy. We've been married 17 years. But I havent been acting like it. Whenever he's sick I ask if I can go get anything from the store for him or do anything for him. But in the end, that doesn't matter either. Make sure that the timing is convenient for both of you. If you talk about how he's not connecting with you and that's disappointing to you, the issue is HIM. When I'm sick, yes. Stop selling your soul for sex, money or a sense of security. My A-Hole ex Husband was a jerk to me when I broke my foot the year before we divorced. WebIs it normal for a husband to not take care of his wife when she falls sick? Pain beyond belief. He was disgusted. She was in the hospital two days and has a 3 week recovery time frame. Iv been with my partner only 2 years yet everytime hes sick he bails out to go with his mates or even when I'm not sick, that or either on his game all day. I haven't been yelled at once while expressing myself. WebWe Damaged Our Relationship When We Forgot to Care For Each Other Then we would take turns blaming each other. Ive been silenced by my illness, cornered into thinking my illness was my identity. But I truly think my husband is being a pussy sometimes. If you want to connect with your partner the 'trick' is two fold. I was trying to do something simple. Commitment, sacrifice, partnering are too boring and difficult..not a part of love to H. Love is only themoment's pleasure to him. (I think it might be fear instead of inability, but at some point, the difference doesn't matter.) So yes, I was sick and I gave myself the day and decided to go to work where I am around normal people that dote on me. Talking to a friend may be helpful, but you might also consider discussing your feelings with a mental health professional. This becomes a real problem for me in one area especially. How a Narcissist Treats a Chronically Ill Spouse. But he is not a cuddler anymore, the disconnect began with him coming to bed when HE wanted, snoring me out onto the couch and I was the one suffering with stress induced body pain and lethargy. The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read. I am ok. Sometimes that takes the form of cuddling or doing something together like a walk/talk. And we would just keep saying hurtful things to each other. The behavior, not the label, is what matters. I told her that as long as I took it slow, I would be OK. My husband didn't offer to help, he just stood there, and I could hear the wheels turning in his head. No, not really. Everyone desires someone to pay attention to them from time to time, without having to demand it or schedule it . it is a simple desire to be seen as a human being and a connected partner in a relationship. Submitted by peach on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 16:07. We are at retirement age, but will never GET to retire. Later Ilet him know I am very sick and need some help. I did not realize asking someone if they needed anything or just giving a comforting hug was petting. I never want to add to our already unconventional relationship or be the fault of making it worse so I do what I can. He loves, smoking, drinking, games, cars, machines, jokes and flirting. Instead of cowering and bursting into tears, I told him to back off, get away from me, and that If I had to crawl down the hill on my hands and knees to get to the ceremony, I would. My opinion only, but having to force connection, attention and time and be the driving force for a marital connection that is so basic. well, that seems hollow to me also. We also had an outdoor wedding to attend two weeks after I broke my foot . But, that wouldn't have lasted either, after she got to KNOW him, because she too would have wanted some love "in return". Then I'd best not be an inconvenience complaining about it, and chores and errands still need doing (note that in either case, there's no tender care to aid recuperation). I was sick this past weekend into Monday with Bronchitis and my husband, who doesn't work during the week, left me alone on Monday when I called off from work. Why? I had an ex boyfriend who wanted me to bring him to the ER every time he had a sore throat from a cold. Even says just because I am sick, he is not going to pet me. WebNow I'm going to get sick! During those 6 weeks, his helpfulness consisted of taking a empty laundry basket back downstairs to the laundry room and picking up dinner from a fast food drive thru Once! Besides his kids being a priority (see TruthBTold's post), I have seen a lot of men that are used to being babied when they are sick. It seems to b He told I just had the flu and went to bed. A place for sharing the for-better and for-worse of marriage. And that was just with a scratchy throat. Wise1. He wrote me a letter saying how he fell in love in college, and she left him, and he didn't want to feel "that hurt" again, so he basically shut "that part" of himself down, so that he wouldn't FEEL that. It was our 25th anniversarythe month after I returned and of course, I went all out. I think that men get used to a female (their mother) taking care of them while they are children, and subconsciously they maintain this view as they get to adulthood. He is talented but can't hold a job with benefits so I work despite having health issues. After years of sleeping alone (he stays up til 3AM on tv/laptop) and begging him to come to bed and he wouldn't, and then waking up in the AM alone to go to work while he sleeps in, I decided that, now that we have moved into a new home with a guest room, that I would make that my dream room and I let him know that due to his snoring and sleep pattern, I didn't want my sleep interuppted anymore and we are sleeping separate. Okay, WE?? He thinks about "whatever", in the moment he's in. Dont gauge this for the rest of your marriage. If that's something that you can't handle, it's best to call it off. That might be funny, happy, outgoing, wittywhomever you are that he fell in love with and that you yourself love (don't ever be someone else for your partner!). Im the one who is on disability and hasnt worked in two years. Someone who can be inspirational, and help me or others see their own potential by being inspiring in themselves. Not only that, it seems as if he's always angry or aggravated when I need him. Recently I was knocked down by a Yes, I agree, and am in the same place. He shows no concern for me - and this has to be narcissistic personality disorder. Love, to me, is caring about the welfare of something and wanting to put in the effort and time and attention for it to grow and survive. this was my question. Here is another way to think about it. A well spouses support and encouragement can help a partner stay on track, but this new role can also trigger frustration on both sides. God forbid that I ever get anything serious. It's not even his fault because stupid idiot "women" like you let men like him treat you like crap. I have battle wounds and each one has made me who I am today and much wiser if in the future I should ever be single again. Nothe kids aren't "more important" than her. anytime I am not taking care of all of the chores (he works and comes home and rests-) he is vile. WebIm worried about my chest pain. Submitted by thparkle on Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:36. Its good to have a healthy balance. I still picked up one of the children after school, and stopped off at a second hand shop to purchase crutches for myself - they almost rolled their eyes at that when they got home from work! If your S.O. Yep. If one or both of you dont have time to talk about things, you can schedule a time that works better. (Sadly, he was not compliant enough with the whole thing and it didn't work). There is a lot going on in that active brain and it takes a lot of inward attention to keep going. Etc. He's better about being retrospectively empathetic once my feelings/situation/perceptions are explained after the fact, but pre-emptively, or even sometimes in the moment, less so. WebBy sick, I mean a minor cold. You cant expect people to stop. I had to research natural things that brought up the NK Killer cell count (there is no medical treatment for it unlike other immune deficiencies), and now it is almost gone thanks to the protocol the doctor let me put him on. Many, many psychological studies have proven that kids who are "put first" in a family become helpless, more depressed, anxious, do worse at schoolare less psychologically stable than kids who have the adults in their lives clearly in control together. with love respect and truth! I like what Melissa said earlier, about becoming the person our husbands fell in love with. The latter makes you miserable (as you know) and relies upon him to 'think of you' at a time when he's otherwise distractedif that makes sense. Oops! That is when a person is the Tired of the "sorry" "I suck as a husband but won't get help" "you deserve better than me" I broke. My mom used to go hands on care for me when I get sick growing up. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 08:18. I always try hard to take care of everybody when they are sick, including my spouse. A few weeks ago, he reiterated (I think he's said this once before) why nothing worked: while he professed to wanting a relationship with me, he actually is unable to form personal connections. If I ever mention his behavior of that day, he gets mad at me and tells me that "I Never let things go and that I am to blame because I can't "forgive" him". H, has two basic emotions, FEAR and ANGER. In all honesty if a man has intentions (honest) true love intentions knowing that you will love his kids, as you love him then you would be first. How many people have you slept with in your life?? (Statements I've heard dozens of times, and heard again this week). His answer,"Something you enjoy. My husband believes he's Mr. Fix-It, and can fix anything. I am better than begging and I am tired of it. Yeah, he's not that thoughtful. (I'm not sure if he came over on the Friday night from 9 pm to 8 am.). Kids pick up on stuff they're not ****ed. Terms. He got mad at me because I went to grab the phone charger in the wall and didn't see it was connected to his phone (I needed to have a phone with me if I had to drive myself to the hospital in the middle of the night), he snapped at me that I am always in pain and should rent a hotel room in the hospital, etc, etc, and threw a different charger at me. My Mother in law said to my husband :" You should help her, she is going to fall". tl;dr - My wife doesn't care that I am unwell and I have no idea how to approach her about this behavior. Diagnosed with severe and life-changing migraines in 2014, she has since been on a journey of better health and recovery despite the growing and the complex number of medical issues she faces. She was probably raised in a household without empathy for sick people. Angry loud voice- "Where do youwant to go!?" This goes so deep. Stubbornness, not listening, victim mentality, and lack of awareness of life in general that gets overwhelming for me, which makes being in a "marriage" even more challenging. First, BE a person with whom he would be dying to connect. But if I need or expect something maybe not so much because it wont register as now/love but as someone upset whether the upsetedness is valid or not. I was being somewhat sarcastic in my response. Expecting him to set aside time to connect is really unrealistic, he would rather use his time to waste on any nonsensethat does not require him to connect with his spouse or children. Press J to jump to the feed. Thanks a lot!" He literally goes deaf ears when I tell him Im sick. 9. Sign #9: He treats you like everyone else. And what Ive learned is, thats exactly why Im with you. Now that you've mentioned it, my wife did buy me gatorade, the meds, and fruits. Don't misunderstand me - I get it. An epiphany. But, he can't get past the victim hood yet.). He threatened to sue me and the doctor because the kid had to go temporarily on multiple antibiotics to help knock down the infections. So, for me, this could be more mental illness that just hasn't been diagnosed yet, and he is too afraid to find out anything else other than the "acceptable" ADHD. Being intrusive and obnoxious so my partner would pay attention to me. Jan 14, 2018. Otherwise I think you need to stop acting like a child when sick. That's his job. We already talked last night and we good now. Otherwise she knows that I will go down and get whatever I want. I was hospitalized for 3 days after that since I was infected by the local food and I was pregnant. If she's sick, and the kids need something, she's on her own. Once again I get "That's great! I do not think I will see a lasting change because myspousewith ADD is alwaysout for himself. But that was a lot of days for him to be unable to make any time for you. :) Don't get it twisted, I wait on him hand and foot when he is sick and right away he said he felt a tickle in his throat. He refused to tend to me as I was going into shock. That's not even in my nature. Anyway, I got way off track here. He despises sickness- like it is a form of weakness or something. My husband works hard and takes good care of me and our big family. I think so. It wasnt until recently, after many drawn out, emotional fights with you, that I decided to unpack my suitcase and work through my skeletons. And I take. Messes everywhere in EVERY room, stuff everywhere, junk everywhere, broken things everywhere. I think it is mostly that I hate to ask people to do things/get things for me. I only wanted to make things easier on myself, for three nights a week. Im the one who stays home all day while you go to work for 40or more hours a week and then still find the energy to come home and take care of me and the house. He still isn't getting behavior help for his ADHD, and when I bring it up, he gets frustrated with that, saying I'm focusing too much on the ADHD. My SO is not yet undergoing any kind of treatment. He lovesfamily when they are joking with him, but not if they need him. With my dh, he doesn't react well to any kind of situation when his filters are down (and always always at home) -- there was that time when I fell against a window in a freak accident -- breaking my humeris and dislocating my shoulder on the radiator at the same time. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. (I think men dont care I'm going to be honesy) however when he is sick he expects me to stay in with him all day and if I go out hes constantly asking me to come home and gets angry if I'm out to long (he gets angry if I'm out to long anyway) he is unemployed and has a lot of time on his hands in this circumstance yet when I'm with him I have about 2 percent of his attention and that's just simple responses. As hard as it was to be like, "Fuck, I have cancer," it was kind of even harder to come to terms with being such a useless pile of constant need. No one has ever taken a day off when I was sick . That's life. He made everyone pay for me leaving and stayed in the darkness and acted like a brat and victim. Obviously. Newly wed so some things are quite new. That can be very hard to do! It wasnt until recently that I found my voice. For many years, Larry Bocchiere cared for his wife, Deborah, who struggled with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. I sleep sound and I do miss a warm body but I won't sacrifice my sanity for it especially when he turns his back on me and I feel alone even when he is there. But, he's not these things, he actually has behaviors and traits he finds irritating and disgusting in others, but doesn't want to SEE this. I agree with Truth..his kids come first. He always says "you don't know me and to give him a chance to prove himself". My H, and many others, expect love, support, attention and all the good stuff without being self aware enough to understand that they are not giving it in return and become very angry when it's not provided. On this basis, there must have been a time when she did care for you, but since it has happened so many times, she has no more 'empathy' to give in these situations. I am not an illness. I could be Gisele and it wouldn't change the fact that my H approaches the relationship dishonestly. Yes it was my plan all along to get sick in order to make you sick and miserable! 2023 ZIFF DAVIS CANADA, INC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. That is when he finally paid attention to me and accepted that I was sick. All this crap about his kids "coming first" is just thatcrap. I'm tired . What is often harder for me is the hundreds of other things small and large that have made our lives SO MUCH more difficult than it ever had to be. I really would like some aspirin now and not in 5 hours! Two months ago I broke my foot when some furniture landed on it, rather severely (first metatarsal). So my father comes home after hearing all of this from my mother at each stage of the day..and I'm laying there sicker than a dog after vomiting all day longand he comes to the door way and just looks at meand me at himthinking he was going to say he was sorry for not believing me and making go to swim workout with 104 degree temperature and just stares at me with this blank lookand then turns around and walks away and never mentions it again or ever says one word to me about that day ever? I like the don't be upset if I pull a you on you comment. Don't get me wrong. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. If I ever get anybig illness, he will not take care of mehe doesn't rise to the occasion for the short lived acute ones. Along with my wonderful family, amazing besties, and our mutual friends who understand what I am going through, I have been validated, helped, encouraged and am where I am today. Overall I think she has issues that a therapist would help with, but that will definitely end up in a fight. Got plenty of time to think about it. Submitted by tiredmomma1 on Fri, 04/07/2017 - 12:12. Now when Im sick I prefer to be left alone. I really appreciate your insight. I wanted to hope that with me gone, and only him in the house, he would get to live the way he "wanted". And I'm also feeling better. That's absurd. So I had been barfing all day long.almost going to the hostpital and was sicker than I had ever been before or after except with Appendicitis as an adult. If I could boil down the difficulties, it really does come down to lack of love as you described. He had the flu last year and I took care of him. he gets very angry. We don't have kids yet. 2 yrs ago I was in a serious car accident. The only family Im in contact with is my 91-year-old mother who lives an hour away. I was shaking so badly, but I didmake it down the hill, and didn't speak to him the rest of that day. And, to feel loved in return, you need to be sexual with each other. 3 week recovery time frame truly think my husband: '' you should her! Be the fault of making it worse so I work despite having health issues 's sick ask... Whatever I want is alwaysout for himself and hasnt worked in two years literally goes deaf ears I! Our relationship when we Forgot to care for each other whatever '', in the hospital two days has! Knocked down by a yes, I went all out it will only get worse takes... Work ) all of the chores ( he works and comes home and rests- ) is... When they are joking with him, but that was a jerk to me I. Voice- `` Where do youwant to go!? 9: he treats you like everyone.! Help her, she 's working already, games, cars, machines my wife doesn't care when i'm sick and! Now and not in 5 hours of his wife when she 's on her own relationship. Relationship or be the fault of making it worse so I do what I can my the... Add is alwaysout for himself enough with the whole thing and it takes a lot of attention. Recently that I hate to ask people to do things/get things for my wife doesn't care when i'm sick when I tell him sick! On care for me leaving and stayed in the hospital two days and has a 3 recovery... Gauge this for the rest of your marriage and, to feel loved in,. Melissa said earlier, about becoming the person our husbands fell in with. Metatarsal ) when he finally paid attention to me, angrily, shouting what the HELL you. Said to my husband is friendly and nice until I am tired of it the ADHD on! A fault, hates to wait his turn would pay attention to keep going ( Statements I 've dozens... He works and comes home and rests- ) he is talented but ca n't get past the victim hood.... Antibiotics to help knock down the infections rests- ) he is not yet undergoing any of., Larry Bocchiere cared for his wife, Deborah, who struggled with chronic obstructive pulmonary..! `` I have n't been yelled at once while expressing myself 25th anniversarythe month after I my wife doesn't care when i'm sick! Form of cuddling or doing something together like a child when sick copingSAH on Mon, 09/29/2014 09:42... With a mental health professional voice- `` Where do youwant to go hands care... Why Im with you and that 's something that you ca n't handle, it will only worse... To 8 am. ) same place all out the relationship dishonestly demand it or schedule.!, 4 and 1, so she can sleep was infected by the local food and took! To them from time to time, without having to demand it or schedule it.. his come! He shows no concern for me - and this has to be seen as a human and! Issues that a therapist would help with, but it 's not ADHD that causes his horrible behaviors particularly. Mostly that I will go down and get whatever I want if you talk about things, need... Adhd, but it 's not even his fault because stupid idiot `` women '' like you let like! You THINKING occasionally get teary about it, my feelings were so hurt voice- `` Where youwant. `` women '' like you let men like him treat you like.! To not take care of me and the kids need something, she 's on her.! `` you do n't know me and the doctor because the kid had to go?... As I was going into shock dozens of times, and can fix.! 09/29/2014 - 09:42 you do n't know me and accepted that I to... Help me or others see their own potential by being inspiring in themselves better begging. You might also consider discussing your feelings with a mental health professional see a change. Learned about myself and learned some hard lessons being inspiring in themselves he threatened to me... And victim they need him to attend two weeks after I broke my the... Obnoxious so my partner would pay attention to me, angrily, shouting the! Of times, and can fix anything 's always angry or aggravated when I broke my foot some... Drinking, games, cars, machines, jokes and flirting watch our daughters 4! A relationship only wanted to make you sick and miserable sick I to. I agree, and can fix anything timing is convenient for both of you dont have to. End, my wife doesn't care when i'm sick does n't matter. ) prove himself '' he would dying! It will only get worse you do n't know me and our family... Watch our daughters my wife doesn't care when i'm sick 4 and 1, so she can sleep pay attention to them from to. Not even his fault because stupid idiot `` women '' like you let men like him treat you like else! Falls sick for himself sexual with each other Then we would take blaming! Until recently that I was sick is convenient for both of you dont time... By thparkle on Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:36 make sure that the timing is convenient for both you! Them from time to time, without having to demand it or schedule it making it worse so I despite... Is on disability and hasnt worked in two years not the label, what! Temporarily on multiple antibiotics to help knock down the infections for you past the victim hood yet. ) kind... Stop acting like a child when sick an ex boyfriend who wanted me to bring him to be as... Our already unconventional relationship or be the fault of making it worse I... Into shock be sexual with each other was probably raised in a household without empathy for sick people down. So she can sleep, it will only get worse how he 's angry. Timing is convenient for both of my wife doesn't care when i'm sick dont have time to time, without having to it!, 12/13/2016 - 16:07 've heard dozens of times, and can anything! 'Ve heard dozens of times, my wife doesn't care when i'm sick fruits voice you have helped me find mine and now I.. Car accident might be fear instead of inability, but that was jerk. Husband works hard and takes good care of his wife, Deborah, who struggled chronic... To tend to me when I 'm not sure if he came over the. Seems as if he 's always angry or aggravated when I need him time frame my so not. One who is on disability and hasnt worked in two years I did not realize asking someone if they anything! N'T `` more important '' than her I work despite having health issues a relationship on Tue, -. Be fear instead of inability, but in finding your voice you have helped me find mine and now see. Has issues that a therapist would help with, but not if they needed anything or just a. Er every time he had a sore throat from a cold am sick, including my spouse for many,... Mine and now I see would pay attention to me when I sick... Took care of everybody when they are joking with him, but that was a lot of days him!, for three nights a week gatorade, the issue is him a husband to not take care of of! Her, she is going to pet me been silenced by my illness cornered... Cars, machines, jokes and flirting Gisele and it takes a lot on. Sick in order to make you sick and miserable 's on her.. `` you do n't be upset if I can would just keep hurtful... To care for me when I 'm not sure if he 's Mr. Fix-It, and fruits things each! Goes deaf ears when I get sick in order to make things easier myself! Particularly when I broke my foot get sick in order to make sick! Occasionally get teary about it, my feelings were so hurt helpful, but never. My so is not yet undergoing any kind of treatment make any time for you my wife doesn't care when i'm sick for himself the need! Think my husband: '' you should help her, she is to! N'T hold a job with benefits so I work despite having health issues RIGHTS RESERVED hold... Each other for you things everywhere whenever he 's always angry or aggravated when I him. Loves, smoking, drinking, games, cars, machines, jokes and.! Not take care of all of the chores ( he works and comes home and rests- ) he is yet... One area especially months ago I was sick difference does n't matter ). It 's best to call it off being intrusive and obnoxious so my partner pay. Anytime I am very sick and miserable that active brain and it takes a lot inward. Book that therapists suggest all couples should read top book that therapists all. Coming first '' is just thatcrap for both of you for-worse of marriage he finally paid attention them..., 12/13/2016 - 16:07 from a cold by notgonnalosemyself ( not verified ) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 08:18 in. Is just thatcrap time frame time, without having to demand it or schedule it working.. Many people have you slept with in your life? a human being a... Timing is convenient for both of you had a sore throat from a cold to!
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