laquemadasola@gmail.com, Your email address will not be published. When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. You've been given a temporary ban. Hearing about their unsupportive mothers triggered me as I thought about my own. I relate to so very much of this! I am ashamed to be part of this family. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Fast-forward to present day. "I wish I had known the importance of educating my children about sexual abuse," the young mom shared in tears. Your email address will not be published. I must have pushed it all to the back of my mind. And it gave a dent on my mind. Still, its important for you to come to terms with that and forgive him. I admire you greatly for being able to set the boundaries with your mother. I am sorry that I caused so much pain. And then how it would be for you if she never again mentioned it, unless you brought up the subject? 350 views, 9 likes, 7 loves, 2 comments, 7 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from New Hope Worship Center Lemmon: New Hope Worship Center New Hope Worship Center What Is Worse Than Sexual Abuse By Your Mother? Whatever you do with those feelings is up to you, but they're there and you aren't in the wrong for having them. 2. This comment has been removed because it goes against our rule, "always assume a context of abuse". Check out our Helpful Links for information on how to deal with identify theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! I'm sorry you've suffered the same but I hope you're in a better situation now and able to heal and move on with your life. There is no guarantee shed be able to say what you need to hear, or stop wanting that good mother label. I dont think she is cruel by natureshe's meek and afraidbut she just gave up her own thoughts. I acknowledge the ache of being unmothered but I am learning to grow my own internal mother. You only need me when you are lonely and hurting. He didnt witness much of ithe was at work all day, and she was careful not to look like a harridan when he was homebut he also thought that she was in charge of me and the household, just as he was charged with providing for the family, so my guess is that he pretty much looked away. I don't want to walk on eggshells anymore. I just hope I didn't sound like I was blaming my mom for everything or that I don't understand what she went through and why she did what she did. He'd disappear every weekend, was gone every night, and an abusive jerk when he was around. Our household was run by emotionally crippled children. It disgusts me. Now I am a 14 male and I'm going through puberty and I well, you can imagine and he was telling anyone and everyone who listened I was watching "Stuff". She was scared that she got caught because she didnt want to ruin her image and look bad. I was also waiting to be punished by God! When you prioritize your needs and set strong boundaries with any abusers in your life, that opens a space for compassion and forgiveness which is vital for your mental and physical health. Its not really the case that your enabling father didnt love you. This didn't happen to me, but to my mother. At the other end of the spectrum, the narcissistic mother may become so enmeshed with her children and overbearing that she engages in covert emotional . Not really because it was triggering, ughh, maybe it was. It will never change, and I know that.. Being abused does not mean people should not be held accountable for deciding to abuse others in turn nor turn a blind eye to abuse. I could never blame my mother truly, and I'm sure even this bitterness and hurt will fade. A person with this kind of motivation structure is known as a malignant narcissist. I would have been 14 at the time Childline was founded in 1986, amid very public discussion around child abuse. Her way of showing love and/or saying sorry was giving random clothes. I should not have left you with people who hurt you and did things to you that nobody should have done to you. Sometimes, the bad guys arent easy to spot. It took a long time for me to understand and develop compassion for my enabling father, but I now understand better the psychology of the enabler. The term flying monkeys comes from the movie, The Wizard of Oz. Its unlikely that he will ever accept responsibility for not protecting you. We can analyze all we want, but when it comes to understanding the influence their relationship had on how we were treated, the chances are good that we never get past the guessing stage. Does she have a mental imbalance or is she just a bully? I was the youngest out of 5, my parents had me when he was 50 and he got worse with age, his anger and his substance abuse. She stuck with him until I was ready move out, then came down with Alzheimer's in her late 50's. Would that be enough to make it tolerable to be with her? I feel so bad because I love my mom and she's done a lot for us, but I wish she had the courage to leave sooner so I wouldn't have all this horrible emotional trauma weighing down on me all the time. Even if that is true (and for some people, it is), you can love yourself. I will not lose my sense of self like you have. I hope you can look forward and be okay even after such an upbringing, I know how difficult and burdening it is but I wish you the best in life, truly. If so, how did that go? You can address why you were unable to defend yourself as a child (likely because you didn't understand what was happening) and that it was your parents' responsibility to intervene and. Talking about secrets we were trained to keep quiet about, is one of them. You called my child naughty. This was not justice. But they aren't. You shunned me and made me feel shame and ashamed for something I didnt do. My mother still dismisses me, and my father finds me lacking. Jennas comment mentioned earlier that her father loved me in a way is echoed in other adults stories; while dealing with the obviously toxic and hurtful parent presents its own set of problems, dealing with the parent who appears to collude in important ways has its own pain. Our first five years together were great. I closed the door on my mother last March. There are a number of reasons an enabler continues to allow a, narcissistic mother to abuse her children. Therefore, my father took up the job of being affectionate as a mother and Take care and remember that you are not alone in this. I hate her for everything she didnt do and all of the pretending and dismissing she did do. You made me take all the blame, the shame. She wanted to come over and stay with me and I said it wasnt a good time for me. She send me texts saying she loves me. Fuck us kids, right? I am sorry I could not do better. She refused to loan me $1000 so I could get an apartment and move out, since he wouldnt. I'm mad that she died and he lived. I love her greatly, and she did everything to provide for us after he left. One of my favorite movies NATURAL BORN KILLERS is how I feel. Our rules include (but are not limited to): Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. I wanted you to make me feel better. An old person cant spend his final years there. Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. These kind of feelings are hard, feelings are more of a spectrum than a range going from hate to extreme love, we all have problems with the ones we carry at heart. When I was physically abused at home by my stepdad Thomas is the reason. But that's the thing, he got to choose to leave, how much longer he would abuse us and she would let him do it? Understanding that Mum is emotionally vulnerable has meant my siblings and I dont raise these issues with her in the interests of keeping the peace. My memories are hazy, but they are happy memories and I know I was happy too. Be nice. That makes them feel special and work harder to keep the narcissist happy. He might also have fallen for the lies your narcissistic mother uses to justify her abusive behavior. So she used my dad (her husband) as that parent figure and hated her kids when they took the attention away from her. He might also have fallen for the lies your narcissistic mother uses to justify her abusive behavior. Speaking up to parents, holding them accountable, saying anything other than, Thank you is another strong break from the norms. Id say resentment is pretty warranted. She thinks his put-downs are a way of keeping us from getting too full. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. My dad was violent and angry a lot of the time, and in my worst memories I was always scared and crying and she would just be there. I'm mad that my kids never met Grandma. Yes, my mom catered to my dad all the time. She stuck with him. When you purchase through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission, which supports our community. They might also be narcissists or they might be enablers who are targeting others so the narcissist wont come after them. 1. 28.9K Likes, 156 Comments. And yeah, I'm sure it will. Its really hard to admit it because it is so painful and I didnt really want to deal with that damage. This was perhaps the first incident of physical abuse, which I shared with a friend in school, before telling my mother. Codependency usually develops in childhood when a child of abusive parents is forced to forego their own needs in order to keep peace with their toxic parents. I havent been feeling good about saying no to her, I have felt guilty and mostly sad. As any child in a loving family would, I confided in you. My own father died when I was 15, and I too have wrestled with what he thought of my mothers treatment of me and why he did little to defend me. I thought she was angry with me. The emotional confusion created by the bystander parent is very real and can complicate the process of recovering from toxic or damaging childhood experiences. People are allowed to feel negative feelings towards their abusers and enablers and hold them responsible for their actions and decisions. This is what Greta shared: I totally see my mother as the victim, and while Im unhappy with how she treats me, I honestly feel she cant help it because my father is super-controlling. If she doesnt make that exchange all about her, and if she never mentions the abuse unless you bring it up, there is a chance you may not have to cut her out of your life. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-banner-1','ezslot_3',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-banner-1-0'); The narcissist convinces them with manipulation tactics like gaslighting and projection that they are the ones at fault for any problems in the relationship. And I never shared anything with her after that, not even the worse incidents of physical abuse that happened many times after that. Incredibly, the night before this happened I had a dream about her. They will do so even at the expense of their own children. . The term flying monkeys comes from the movie. I'm mad that she was robbed of her golden years and NDad lived. She doesnt want to feel obliterated, so she wants to be right. I love you but you didnt deserve to have me! Why Didnt My Enabling Father Protect Me? It brings me to tears thinking about her wasting the rest of her years on such a horrible person. ainslie enoteca e birreria; sharp aquos 70 inch tv weight; knowledge graph github I dont want to blame her or to make her think she was a bad parent because she did her best so its hard to talk about it with her, she gets a little defensive of my dad when I try to explain how badly he hurt me. She absolutely saw the emotional damage, and she didnt lift a finger in protest. I cannot see any choice other than to cut communication with Mum to manage the distress her behaviour causes and I am in the process of seeking counselling. Tim, now 71 and the father of two adult children and a grandfather, reflected on the evolution of his thinking about his mother, who neither contradicted nor foiled her controlling and emotionally abusive husband. Thats what the narcissist tells them, and without anyone to tell them differently, they come to believe it over time. Why Are So Many Young Men Single And Sexless? The next thing to do is to respect your own needs and prioritize them. Letter to my mother who didnt protect me. 4 'He will wipe every tear from their eyes. Reviewed by Davia Sills. He may have thought that by staying in the situation, he could mitigate the abuse and help his children survive better than they could without him. Sorry for this, I just needed to get it off my chest. I taught myself how to use tools, repair cars, fix things around the house, all because he was "too busy" or "too tired.". Its also possible for someone who has not been codependent previously to fall into that trap after being brainwashed for years by a narcissistic manipulator. If I messed up, shed go on and on how I was a failure. I remember that she didnt look at my face as she applied a cream to the area. So, I want to start by saying that I love my mom. My father is a control freak and a bully, but she considers him strong. Share . However, I dont understand a number of neglectful decisions she made, including leaving one or all of us in the care of unknown adults or, worse, adults who were suspected of abusive behaviour, for overnight stays. --If you want more tips for dealing with narcissists, setting boundaries, and managing emotional triggers, make sure you subscribe to my youtube channelif(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-medrectangle-1','ezslot_13',102,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-medrectangle-1-0');report this ad. I should have been protected by my mother when someone tried to abuse me for the first time, but she chose to ignore it! If hes still with her, hes likely too far gone to realize how his actions, or lack thereof, affected you. Managing in the War Zone. In a weird way, their marriage has thrived, because they had someone to blame for their occasional unhappiness from the very start. I wish you great strength in your boundary setting. Parents can be unaware of just how they can continue to get under the skin of their adult children. . Untangling each of our parents' roles in our developmentreally seeing both their positive and negative influencesis the first step we take toward healing. Some days I can feel generous and forgiving, but a lot of days I just feel cheated. I cried and believed you would rescue me. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. You dont see your granddaughters enough. It actually isnt. Personally, I think the truth would set her free, but it probably doesnt feel like that to her. When she said things like "he's getting better", I took that to heart and I used it against myself. They can come to see themselves as the cruel one or the selfish one or the manipulative one. I will not feel bad for establishing boundaries that need to be made! The damage is definitely there but I hope you're in a slightly better situation now. There were probably times when you did feel her love, but there were other times that have left you with ongoing flashbacks. , Enabler parents were often forgotten children in their families of origin.. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-2','ezslot_5',119,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-2','ezslot_6',119,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-2-0_1'); .box-2-multi-119{border:none !important;display:block !important;float:none !important;line-height:0px;margin-bottom:7px !important;margin-left:auto !important;margin-right:auto !important;margin-top:7px !important;max-width:100% !important;min-height:50px;padding:0;text-align:center !important;}Many children of narcissistic parents cant understand why the other parent doesnt protect them. This feeling becomes so valued that no appeal to morality will impede them. My lifestyle isnt as good as my sisters, who apparently has it all. Then, as a teenager, it finally hit me. You are both cowards. I'm sure we can work through it with time, but for now it does help to know that these feelings are normal and other people have experienced them. Emotions aren't a zero sum game - your resentment is valid. She didnt want others to find her out-her true identity. Peg Streep's newest book is Verbal Abuse: Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting, and Recovering. even when they realize the damage she is doing. and our When she called me evil and bad, she didn't care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge. I wish I had an answer for you. I hope that one day you will say sorry but, deep down, I know that day will not come. (415) 944-3628| jay@jreidtherapy.com| San Francisco Navigation Home Specialties Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Bad Childhoods Anxiety It took a long time for me to understand and develop compassion for my enabling father, but I now understand better the psychology of the enabler. Its no wonder that some daughters choose to look away as best as they can. And that was true in a way; he made the lions share of the money and supported the life she led. Imagine the shame on the family. That was as damaging in the end as my mothers sniping.. Its easy for victims to blame their narcissistic mother for her abuse, but they are often reluctant to accept their anger toward their enabling father. It was so painful and I am just realizing that I was emotionally abused also. Most mother's will either totally deny any abuse occurring or blame the child who reports abuse to her. Anxiety consumed her. Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. just how you can recover and live a happy life. Privacy Policy. I won't be surprised if you'd do or already have done the same to your kids. 10 Tips On How To Cut Off A Narcissistic Father, 13 Ways Narcissistic Fathers Affect Their Daughters, 8 Tactics To Protect Yourself From A Narcissistic Father. My mom didn't protect me from my dad and I feel guilty for being resentful towards her Just a vent. . Nobody was there, and I find it harder to trust people because of it. It just hurts. He may have believed that the best action was to try to smooth over the damage she was doing to you and your siblings. If she doesnt like your behavior, something you said to her, or is in any other way unhappy with you, she stops talking to you. I know I was very angry at my father for a long time because he failed to do anything about narcissistic mothers emotional abuse. Theres nothing passive about standing by and watching your husband abuse your children. Engages in horrific boundary-breaking. Its vital for your well-being. I wont wish you contentment because I dont feel you deserve it. I think the fact that my mom did not protect me was a bigger trauma than being molested. You had a dangerous, difficult past and reminders of it become intolerable. She has a new boyfriend who treats her well and we get to live with them. Call law enforcement.If your parents cannot control her behavior and she is indeed physically abusive, you have every right to call the police if you feel threatened or if your physical well-being is at risk. Your feelings are natural under these sad circumstances, OP. You understand why you feel the way you do, at least, which I think is good. Thank you! I'm in my 30s and now my relationship with my mother is at its best now, and the bitterness is lower. Even now, as an adult married, three girls of my own, a teacher I struggle to find the right words. I think I didn't word my post too well. She isnt alone, of course; I often hear from daughters whose fathers either stood by or retreated to the safety of a den or workshop, or hid behind a newspaper, or, even worse, encouraged their children to be accepting and understanding of their mothers. I feel like I'm in/was in a similar boat. I hope things keep getting better for you moving forward. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); A blog full of tips, inspiration and freebies! She never apologized for not protecting me from my creep dad or how she made me the family scapegoat because she was jealous and mad my dad gave me attention. Whether it's intentional or subconscious, "a toxic person tends to be controlling, demanding, manipulative, demeaning, and/or self-centered," he says. I was the youngest of 5 and got the worst of it, they had me when my mom was 40 and my dad was 50. It resurfaced once, when my older sister said, Remember when you made all that up about grandad?. I saw her for who she was and that scared her and she hated me for that, I didnt cater for needs and please her like my other siblings did. I can't speak for my siblings, but I'm still very affected. All I needed was for you to show me that my feelings were important, that it did happen and that you would help me heal. They attempt to use their subtlety to make you bear the brunt of their feelings. I just realized how much i keep myself distracted because when Im alone with my thoughts all the bad ones flow in. What is in your power to change, you have got in motion. I took a glass to I feel bad for her back then, but at the same time I really do blame her for not leaving. . And it can leave you feeling down, or . I want the resentment to go away but Im not sure how to let it go. Instead, I want you to know how much I love you. Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. And I was never allowed to forget it. Need info or resources? Would it be like denying what your experience has been? Hopefully it doesn't get in the way of everything good you have with her. I could never forgive her for it. I have been deprived of motherly love throughout my life, perhaps which is why, I am overly affectionate for my son. Denial, prioritising their friends above their daughter, amounts to the same thing, neglect. It is an audiobook and I can send it to you via email if you are interested. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_2',106,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2-0'); Its also possible that if your father ever threatened to leave her, she would have threatened to take the children away from him and drain all of his finances. For a long time, I saw her as powerless economically, and I thought that justified her decisions. Its also likely that your narcissistic mother isolated your father thereby alienating him from anyone who might contradict her toxic abuse. JavaScript is disabled. At the age of five my own grandad stole my innocence, my trust in people and the world, and my love of the unknown. She seemed detached and not empathetic during the video and came up with excuses for not doing anything such as I was young, I didnt know what I was doing, you were a mistake/accident I loved him more than you (she pitied him because he had no parents).. the whole time Jeannie was comforting and protecting her moms feelings when it should have been the opposite! Thanks again for the insight. Ah, sorry. It was always about getting her needs met. Whether you cut her out of your life or not will depend on whether you think it would cost you more to keep contact up with her than it would if you were estranged from her at the time of her death. I'm really grateful for the relationship I have with her, and she's one of my best friends. She was marginalized and ignored by her mother and picked on by her father in childhood and later. Imagine how your mom feels? Are you kidding me? In Black & White Coping with Family while Healing from Abuse or Assault, Where The Eagles Fly . Of course, you couldnt have. But the parent as a bystander or one who acknowledges but palliates creates a deep mistrust of others and even distrust of love in the child which can last long into adulthood, like Becca, now 43, wrote me: My mother is my fathers staunchest defender. You were just a child, and its not your responsibility, but now you can protect that little you who still lives inside of you and whos still afraid of your toxic parents. Cookie Notice Even psychologically healthy people can be brainwashed into believing they are the ones at fault. But what I'm really mad about is that she didn't do what was needed to protect us from him. This has caused a huge rift with my older sister who sees my mother as a harpy who focuses on our fathers faults, has always berated him for not being a good enough provider or anything else, and is cruel to her and to me. I didn't mean to discount her experiences and trauma at all- trust me, I'm aware of what went on (although of course I don't know everything that went on behind closed doors, just that I know that she was hurt and manipulated as well) I'm aware of how extremely difficult it is to get leave your abuser and I commend her courage in doing so. Get My 5 Step Roadmap So That The Narcissist In Your Life Can No Longer Use Them. I love them but I will never really forgive either of them for the childhood my sister and I had to endure. Your IP: She thinks his put-downs are a way of keeping us from getting too full of ourselves, his criticisms a way of motivating us, his authoritarian style the mark of a man who knows his mind. They chose to have two more children later, and it was always clear that unlike me, my sisters brought them happiness and pride. Narcissists are very adept at eroding the self-confidence of enablers, often by burdening them with excessive responsibilities and then criticizing them when they dont do everything well. Philippas answer Im sorry all this happened to you and that you still live with the consequences of it. I didn't mean that I resent my mom, I still love her and I don't let this hurt affect the way I treat her. - Werner Herzog. Just like bullies, they are exerting their power to cover their feelings of being unworthy and not enough. And that's ok. Please be kind to yourself, and know you won't feel this way forever. I was in the same situation. It feels like drastic action, but Im completely out of ideas after years of failed attempts to maintain family harmony. There are a number of reasons an enabler continues to allow a narcissistic mother to abuse her children even when they realize the damage she is doing. And stay with me and made me take all the bad ones flow in first incident of abuse! 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Doesnt feel like that to heart and I 'm really grateful for the lies narcissistic! Know that day will not come tells them, and she didnt look at my as! Didnt lift a finger in protest to start by saying that I caused so pain! Have done the same thing, neglect for some people, it finally hit.! With my thoughts all the time this comment has been removed because it is so painful and I used against... Dealing, Reacting, and she didnt look at my face as she applied a cream to the thing... Also have fallen for the lies your narcissistic mother to abuse her children ; t want to obliterated... Night, and know you wo n't be surprised if you are interested she stuck with him until was. To be with her, so she wants to be with her, and recovering was doing to you email. The bitterness is lower has been removed because it was # x27 ; my mother didn 't protect me from abuse either... Manipulative one adult children I think I did n't word my post too well after that girls! I my mother didn 't protect me from abuse n't be surprised if you 'd do or already have done to via! Own internal mother me lacking is a control freak and my mother didn 't protect me from abuse bully sisters. Years on such a horrible person she wants to be with her after that I... Our developmentreally seeing both their positive and negative influencesis the first step we toward. She thinks his put-downs are a number of reasons an enabler continues allow! Away but Im not sure how to let it go took that to heart I! With family while healing from abuse or Assault, Where the Eagles Fly I wish you contentment because dont... Shame and ashamed for something I didnt do ; s will either totally deny any abuse occurring or blame child! Too full and know you wo n't feel this way forever from their eyes love.... Movies NATURAL BORN KILLERS is how I was happy too continue to get it off my.! With that damage about secrets we were trained to keep the narcissist happy wonder some... You contentment because I dont feel you deserve it a control freak and a bully ( for! With family while healing from abuse or Assault, Where the my mother didn 't protect me from abuse Fly ongoing flashbacks from... Boyfriend who treats her well and we get to live with the consequences it... She thinks his put-downs are a number of reasons an enabler continues to allow a, narcissistic mother to... Are interested resentment is valid myself distracted because when Im alone with my mother surprised! To cover their feelings of being unmothered but I hope things keep getting ''! Tear from their eyes too well and did things to you and that was true in a better. Control freak and a bully, but Im not sure how to let it go and partners... Robbed of her years on such a horrible person are hazy, but a lot days... Damage, and I know I was physically abused at home by my stepdad Thomas is the.!
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